Perfectionism may come part and parcel with high IQ

As you probably know I’ve been writing blogs on perfectionism for a while now. Last year my daughter who is now 8 years old was having some issues at school and perfectionism was raised as a cause for some of her meltdowns. She has to go and see the school art therapist for a while. During this time I immediately went into failure mode thinking oh I can’t even stop my daughter getting perfectionism when I’m supposed to be the expert on treating it. I must be a poor parent/role model etc. I felt a lot of guilt for a long time despite knowing it wasn’t helpful. It was really difficult to let it go.

More recently little Miss 8 complained about not wanting to go to school and feeling bored and unhappy. I therefore took it upon myself to call the teacher to enquire as to whether he had noticed anything similar to what I had. During the phone call her teacher mentioned that she is highly intelligent and thinks she may be ‘gifted’ or at least quite a few years ahead academically. This explained some of the boredom she had been encountering. Nevertheless I was not expecting this at all and being the good littIe researcher that I am went googled this giftedness thingy and discovered that one of the common traits that gifted children display is perfectionism. I learned through my reading that this is because highly intelligent children find most tasks so easy due to their high intelligence and this can cause lowered resilience for challenge or failure. Hence challenges, struggles and failures are much more painful and anxiety provoking for them then they are for other children. It is also because they often have the insight to see 10 steps of what they are actually capable of either physically or emotionally and feel immense frustration at not being able to match what they can see as a possibility and their actual capability. I was surprised to say the least and I am continually surprised at the fact that I am constantly finding new causes for perfectionism; it seems to underlie so many life situations and psychological symptoms.

So how did I help the little Miss? My new found understanding has given me more compassion for her needs. I understand where the meltdowns come from and the frustration underlying them. I also make attempts to give her more intellectual stimulation at home which is making her hugely happy. I have completely released all mother guilt now that I understand the difficulties are not due to my parenting but rather from special factors. My increased confidence, understanding and compassion have improved our relationship beyond measure. I feel I truly have my little girl back.

How going on diets completely ruined my relationship with food

When I got to university I put on a lot of weight in that first year. In retrospect there were a lot of reasons for it, including the complete change in lifestyle, more accessiblility to pub food and grog and other personal reasons.

I was really upset about this having always been naturally skinny and never having an issue with food or weight.

So off I went to a dietician to get some help. This lovely well meaning lady gave me lots of practical advice on food and the weight dropped off pretty quickly. However some of the advice was not so helpful, for example the topics of certain foods came up such as orange juice and butter. I was informed quite instantaneously that I was not allowed to eat these things at all. Up until this point I’d never conceived of certain foods being ‘ banned’. I didn’t eat them because they simply weren’t available or I ate little bits an it never affected my weight as it was in balance with the rest of my diet and I was quite active.

So this was the start of the idea that there were ‘good’ foods and ‘bad foods’ which is a really unhelpful message that discourages balance and creates guilt. It affected me as such that I’d spend periods of time avoiding ‘bad’ foods and losing weight and then going back to them and putting it back on.

What if she had just told me to limit those foods to once a week – to let me have a little bit, and then a little bit more once I’d lost the weight. It would have been much more helpful to work within the paradigm of balance rather than restriction and deprivation. this affected my relationship with food for years and encouraged me to go on a endless stream of diets as I kept yo yoing from once extreme to the other.

I recently read a book (the science of neuro-slimming) that informed me that the brain is a reward center and thrives on pleasure. Therefore it makes logical sense that anything that involves punishment ie/ a gruelling exercise regime for most of us, or deprivation is likely to be short lived. We are primed for pleasure and I believe our birthright is to be happy and healthy.

However sometimes we get the wrong advice from well meaning people. The best example of a good weight loss technique I have read is from the doctor in the book French women don’t get fat by Mirelle Guilano. He encourages her gently and compassionately to identify her bad habits and restore balance in her eating and lifestyle habits. She was a bit like me she had a changed in lifestyle that affected her habits.

There is also a whole ‘nother layer to this linked to the way we cope with stress and emotions and cultural pressures on us that can work in reverse, however I’ll leave this for another post.

For now I want to let you know how I am addressing my attitude to food, exercise, weight and health: I am starting from a place of loving me right now no matter what I weigh and I’ll focus on positive things such as cooking a beautiful meal for myself, enjoying a walk in nature or a gym class. I simply refuse to do anything I hate or makes me miserable in the name of skinny or beautiful. I know I am beautiful right now and I want to take care of myself because of that. xx

Honor is a psychologist with a special interest in women’s emotional health. For more info visit her at http://honornewman.com

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Why are so many women perfectionists these days?

I had been craving for quite a few years to leave my privileged, fast-paced, inner city lifestyle and make a tree change to the Dandenong ranges. I liked the relaxed hippy vibe and thought it would be a good place to raise kids. What happened when I actually made the move was that I met a group of women that changed my life forever. Not in the, “I’ll give you a makeover so good you won’t recognise yourself” kind of way but in a much deeper spiritual way. Sure I’d dabbled in Buddhism for a few years but these women didn’t teach me about this, they taught me what it really meant to be “feminine”. And no, it has nothing to do with pink, frills, giggling and hair flicking or letting a man pay and all to do with understanding the beautiful strengths and qualities of the feminine nature.

Through association with these amazing women I learned about what real feminine qualities are: not the media-constructed ones we are taught from day dot.

After I moved, I experienced my first real women’s circle. If you’ve never been to one, it’s where a small group of women gather together in a circle and take turns sharing the honest-to-God truth about whatever they are dealing with in their lives. To be honest, the first few times it scared me – I had to bare my soul to women I had just met! That was just too confronting. However, I was also awe-struck by the honesty of the other members and the rarity of having the privilege of hearing these truths. There is also an element of mutual respect i.e. if you are baring your soul to me, I’d better be respectful enough to share back, because you’re vulnerability and honesty has been so beneficial to me.

Through association with these amazing women I learned about what real feminine qualities are: not the media-constructed ones we are taught from day dot. Things such as openness, gentleness, compassion, collaboration, connection, nurturance, flowing, eroticism, dance etc. and even about the dark side of the feminine were discussed.

As a result, I felt a missing piece of my life had fallen into place. Then I felt angry that I hadn’t been taught about my nature while I was growing up and that my rites of passage as a woman hadn’t been properly respected or celebrated.

Then I realised how much women are forced to live within the masculine model in our culture. This creates so many problems for us – for example we are taught to push and push through (masculine) instead of going with the flow (feminine) There is so much focus on “doing and achieving” (masculine) as opposed to “being and connecting” (feminine). Yes, we all have both masculine and feminine qualities but I believe women need to lead and live life from their feminine natures to feel happy, fulfilled and satisfied. We need to work more with our qualities and biochemistry. In my book Killing the Perfectionist Within, there is a section I wrote about going with the flow and how it’s tough in the traditional work paradigm to do this. I think forcing the feminine (i.e. women) to live within the constraints of patriarchy causes women stress, anxiety and low self-esteem. We feel we can’t measure up to impossible ideals so we feel low about ourselves. These ideals are so ingrained in us from an early age by culture and the media that they become unconscious but they still affect us. They are impossible because they are based on an unrealistic construct of a woman, or a woman trying to live and behave like a man. The perfectionist feels she is not good enough so tries to overcompensate by being perfect. She feels not good enough because who she is deep down is not fully celebrated and accepted by our world. I hope this can change and I am working, along with other feminists to be part of making this change. By celebrating women in society and honouring their unique needs and qualities.

Honor Jane Newman helps women overcome their perfectionism through her programme “From Perfect to Peace”. She also runs a women’s circle and has written a book: Killing the Perfectionist Within, a self-help guide for women suffering from perfectionism, anxiety and chronic fatigue syndrome. She practices out of rooms in Tecoma and Collins Street, Melbourne. She can be contacted on 0433 374 031 or for more information visit her website. You can follow her on Twitter @honor_newman

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I’m not perfect at not being a perfectionist…

The other day whilst sipping my green tea latte I had a thoughtful moment about whether I really have ‘killed my own perfectionist within’ and I think the answer was ‘not completely’. So when I realized this I had a perfectionist moment of feeling really guilty about this. The thought pattern went something like – ‘how can I possibly be authentic and help others with their’s if I haven’t fully beaten it myself, I’m a fraud etc. And then I stopped myself – and thought, no its ok not to be perfect at not being a perfectionist.

To some extent these habits are part of my personality – but the key is that I have learned to manage them through awareness and behaviour change. For example, I can recognise if I’m putting too much pressure on myself or dwelling in guilt and understand that I don’t need to keep doing this. If I beat myself up then I get trapped in a vicious cycle of the very perfectionism that I am trying to avoid.

As I polished of the last of my latte I lifted my head up high and suddenly moved out of guilt to a feeling of pride in myself that I am ok being the imperfect perfectionist. Suddenly the negative feelings disappeared and I could get on with my day feeling great. So this was a wonderful realisation and I didn’t feel under pressure any more.

Next time I have a twinge like this I will do the same thing – stop, breathe, re-think things, shift into the positive and move on with my day in joy and self acceptance.

If you would like help dealing with your own perfectionism book now with Honor on www.honornewman.com (free consult available for new customers) or send her an enquiry

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After all the output I’ve done around helping others with their perfectionism I have recently been to a therapist to get some help with emotional eating. Within one session she has told me I am still a perfectionist. So for the author of Killing the perfectionist within, someone who has helped millions of people with their own perfectionism based on my own journey of beating it, this was a bit of a kick in the guts.

To clarify:

I still push myself too hard and get tired.

I’m still struggling to get the balance right

I still feel not good enough at times

I still feel upset if I’m not the ‘perfect’ body weight.

However there is a difference….

I’m a bit more okay with these things, because I am aware of what I am doing and can intervene with these attitudes and behaviours before they get out of hand.

Maybe I’ll never been able to fully ‘Kill’ the perfectionist within, but i can certainly ‘manage’ it.

(Honor is a psychologist that helps women take the pressure off themselves- to book in for a free consultation visit her website at : http://www.honornewman.com

Hey perfectionists, here’s how to be free of sky high expectations : A book review

A review by Grace Jennings-Edquist Oct 22, 2016

Think back to the last time you gave yourself a mental high-five and reminded yourself, “My life is completely up to scratch.”

Erm—you can’t remember that happening, can you? Neither can I. That could be because, like so many women I know, we’re perfectionists. Our standards are higher than Iggy Pop in the ‘70s, and we expect that we’ll not only competently do our jobs/stay in shape/raise our kids, but give Wonder Woman a run for her money in each of these fields. Simultaneously.

The problem is, this perfectionistic mindset doesn’t often actually lead to success.

Psychologist and author of Killing the Perfectionist Within Honor Jane Newman tells me perfectionism is a contributing factor to a range of mental health conditions including anxiety, eating disorders, postpartum depression, low self-esteem, burnout, obsessive compulsive disorder, alcoholism and major depression.

Yikes.

Perfectionism is “very common” in women aged 25-45, Newman confirms, citing causes including cultural pressures to “have it all”; the myth that motherhood is the ultimate fulfillment; and media portrayals of feminine beauty and desirability. (“Being parented in either a highly critical manner or an over-indulgent manner both give women an unrealistic sense of self,” Newman adds.)

Whatever the cause of your everything-must-be-perfect tendencies, it’s possible to rein them in using a few expert-approved tips.

Master these four and you’ll be on your way to a happier life—no sky-high expectations required.

1. Ditch the “should”

Newman tells me women can benefit from eliminating the word “should” from their vocabularies.

“Every time you tell yourself you should be this or that you automatically feel under pressure and obligation, which is a negative emotional state,” she suggests.

“Instead try, ‘I’d like to–do, have, achieve…’” she suggests. “With this there comes the acceptance of what you wish for but also some room around that not happening to the extent you might like.”

2. Stop with the comparisons

You know when you’re having a pretty sweet day—until you’re scrolling through Instagram and see that drop-dead-gorgeous girl you knew at college celebrating another award for her off-the-charts successful career? Blah. All of a sudden your office job is mundane as hell, your last vacation in Vermont looks hokey, and you’re itching to lose 10 pounds.

This social-media-comparison phenomenon has been confirmed by experts: Studies have shown our subjective perception of wellbeing and life satisfaction may be undermined by platforms like Facebook.

Here’s a little trick that works for me: Remove stimulus that seems to trigger life-comparisons that bring you down.

Sneakily unfollow those humblebraggers, #inspo bikini body types on Instagram and Facebook, so you’ll be less likely to desire their seemingly perfect lives/jobs/abs.

And keep reminding yourself of this: Social media only features the highlights—not all the mundane pyjamas-and-hangover moments—from your acquaintances’ lives.

I mean, that girl on a private jet probably has really bad IBS or terrible taste in men; she just neglected to mention it in her latest post about #blessed she is.

3. Put pen to paper

Reflect on what it would mean for you to be imperfect—what thoughts and feelings and insecurities does this bring up for you?—and write these down.

“Think about where these thoughts, insecurities and self-pressure started. How long ago?,” Newman says.

“This increase in self- awareness is the first step to change as you can start to challenge the truth of these thoughts, feelings and assumptions.”

4. Challenge the all-or-nothing mindset

Perfectionists tend to think in black and white terms: Either a project they’re working on is absolutely glorious, or it’s a goddamn embarrassment that needs to be hidden from sight.

The problem with that mindset: It can deter us from trying things at all. (Women apply for a promotion only when they meet 100 percent of the qualifications; meanwhile, men apply when they meet 50 percent, The Confidence Gap authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman write.)

“Though we all want those instant, perfect, voila moments, most things take time and don’t look like much at first,” writes psychologist Tamar Chansky, author of Freeing Yourself from Anxiety: 4 Simple Steps to Overcome Worry and Create the Life You Want. (Van Gogh’s first painting probably looked like a car crash in comparison to The Starry Night, for example. And I bet Orwell’s first draft of 1984 was a typo-fest.)

“So when you stop to do a spot-check and see the unfinished or rough spots, rather than judging how this is falling short, keep moving forward to what’s next,” Chansky says. “Don’t confuse the unfinished-ness of the moment as a sign of the health of the project overall; it’s just a step along the way.”

Next time you slip up, learn from your mistake rather than throwing in the towel altogether.

Which gets me thinking…If you don’t master these four tricks to challenge your perfectionism immediately, don’t beat yourself up and quit trying.

That’d be way too ironic, right?

https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Perfectionist-Within-Self-Help-Perfectionism/dp/1452529523

How I overcame perfectionism and you can too

click below to watch me tell my story of perfectionism and how I can help you too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DnryZXAb2g

Do you think you’d like help with your perfectionism?

Are you a woman that puts tons of pressure on yourself to be perfect? Does this cause you anxiety? Are you often tired and burnt out? Throughout my career to date I have seen many women struggle under the weight of extreme self -pressure and I was one of these women also. Hi I’m Honor and I’m a psychologist that aims to help women stop being perfectionists and start living more balanced and fulfilling lives.

Let me tell you a little bit about my journey through perfectionism: about 10 years ago I found myself in the middle of a personal health crisis – I was struggling for energy almost constantly and no one in the medical profession could give me a straight answer as to why – so I had no choice but to embark on my own healing journey. I began with changing my diet and doing counselling. Through the counselling I learn there were certain ways that I was viewing the world that were affecting my interaction with it and causing me to overburden and stress myself to the limit on a regular basis. I learnt that these patterns had developed over the course of my young life to become personality factors. These personality factors are what I want to talk to you about, how they are formed and how they can be undone.

One I had healed myself I saw lots of clients in my psychology practice with similar issues. Then I began to use what I had learnt in my own journey to help them get better. I decided that it would be useful to write a little handbook filled with these strategies and insights. So I did. This book is about how I helped myself, my clients and perhaps how I can help you too.

For more information you can purchase my book – Killing the perfectionist within at the following stores in either kindle or paperback:

www.fishpond.com

www.amazon.com

barnesandnoble

With love and light,

Honor

Interview with LipMag – why I wanted to a be a psychologist

Honor Jane Newman is the author of a short and handy self-help book for women titled Killing the Perfectionist Within: A Self-Help Guide for Women Suffering from Perfectionism, Anxiety, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The book includes tips and tricks to tackle the difficult emotions and situations that can arise when you seek perfectionism on a daily basis. A particularly poignant read for women, both young and old, Killing the Perfectionist Within is the perfect beginning to a journey towards healing.

I had a chat with Honor and found out about her inspiration behind writing this book and about her career in psychology so far.

Could you tell us first about your career so far as a psychologist? What made you study in this field?

About 10 years ago I started my Master’s degree in psychology. This is when I first started seeing clients. I have also worked as a psychologist in welfare, student counseling, in a low cost clinic, in a primary school and in private practice. After I had my second child I decided to work in private practice so I could have work flexibility and be close to home for my children.

Over my career I have noticed that people that have the same psychological issues have the same associated physical complaints and I have become very passionate about the mind/body connection as a result. This has become apparent in more than one work setting. I’ve also noticed that I seem to attract clients that are very similar to myself, so it made sense that whilst I was working through perfectionism, I had a lot of clients going through the same thing.

I wanted to study and work in this field for a number of reasons. I’ve always liked talking to people and hearing their stories and I like helping people. Also my own experience of therapy was transformative to my life, and I wanted to be a part of helping others achieve the life they’ve always dreamed of, no matter what background they may have come from. I really believe anyone can heal if they want to with the right help.

What inspired you to write Killing the Perfectionist Within?

I was inspired to write this book because I figured out how to treat my own perfectionism and then I started helping others do the same, so I thought a little handbook, that was fun and easy to read, with practical and relevant information would be wanted and useful.

Can you explain how you believe that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and perfectionism can be related?

People with perfectionism are always striving to meet these impossible standards, so they often become extremely fatigued. I think there is a possibility that down the extreme end it MAY contribute to chronic fatigue syndrome. There have been a few scathing reviews of my book for making this statement and I think this comes from misunderstanding. I am not in any way saying that this is not a legitimate illness I merely believe that ALL illnesses have a specific mental pattern associated with them. When I interviewed people with Chronic Fatigue a lot of them felt really misunderstood by society. But also what they talked about was what high achievers they were before they got sick and how they were always on the go and never stopped. Then one day they got sick.

What do you think is the biggest challenge to those experiencing CFS, perfectionism and anxiety?

I think the biggest challenge is always admitting to yourself that something is wrong as this can be painful. However, once you have then you can move forward. My challenge was finding the right help as I felt my illness was disenfranchised in the world of traditional medicine. I’d get told to have a rest or go on anti-depressants. It is hard enough when you are struggling with your health, but when there is a lack of understanding or appropriate help it makes it so much worse. I just had to experiment and try different healing modalities and find out what worked. So now that I have I can offer that package of things to others so they don’t have to be lost and struggle in a world that doesn’t understand and they can start healing without having to waste years looking for the right treatment.

How does your book help those dealing with these troubles?

I’ve tried to offer insight and practical strategies, which is how I work as a psychologist. The first half of the book focuses on raising insight into some of the things I see as contributing factors to this condition and the second half of the book is all about practical things that a person can build into their lifestyle to help them to feel better. I hope it empowers people to start to take some control over their own health.

Do you believe that these disorders/symptoms are primarily a female issue?

Hmm good question, not exclusively, I know men can suffer from this as well. However, I know that many, many women have these issues especially around things like guilt and people pleasing as our culture conditions us to put others first all the time. I aimed the book at women as I am passionate about empowering women to live the lives of their dreams and I saw this book as part of that.

What do you hope those who read your book come away with?

Hope. Understanding. Knowledge they are not alone. A place to start healing.

Do you have any plans to further your studies on perfectionism, CFS, and anxiety?

I would like to do a research project on personality patterns and physical illness in the future.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Ever since philosopher Rene Descartes ideas came into the mainstream it has become very unpopular to talk about the mind body connection. He propounded the idea that the mind and body are separate and I truly believe they are not.

People get extremely upset if you imply there is a psychological component to their illness as if you are somehow blaming them, accusing them of making it up or telling them they are mentally unstable. This is not the case. I believe that we have a lot more power over our health and healing than we have been lead to believe. I have personally cured myself from several physical illness though meditation and have recovered from severe depression through talking alone. If we can embrace the mind body connection we open up so many doorways to healing and I want people to know this.

Perfect is boring…

Have you ever met a woman who has that je ne sais quoi ? That certain something? Have you felt envious? Well, I’ll tell you a little secret…that quality is confidence and inner peace that comes with knowing and accepting ones flaws.

So I ask you to consider – What are your flaws? If it helps, I’ll tell you 10 of mine. This may help you to feel more comfortable admitting yours…
10 of my flaws…

1. When I clean things I make them dirtier. I don’t have the cleaning gene, or perhaps its a result of a too privileged upbringing that i didn’t learn the finer points of making things shine..
2. I’m snappy when I’m tired
3. I can be controlling when I’m stressed
4.Sometimes I buy the wrong pair of shoes – ie/ not practical or comfortable and a waste of money
5. I’m hopelessly addicted and obsessed with fashion
6. I eat too many treats
7. I often dislike parenting
8.I like to try a new recipe when i”m having a dinner party= bad idea!
9. I can dwell too much on things such as other people’s behaviour, rather than moving on
10. I still haven’t memorized how to change a tire
11. (optional extra) I get very grumpy when I’m in the middle of a creative project and someone interrupts me.

It’s a big sign of being comfortable with yourself if you can admit your flaws. This is because it then gives you the power to work on them or work with them. For example, I know I’m going to be tired after x, and predisposed to snappiness at my family, so Im going to communicate I’m very tired and then go straight to bed rather than staying up and trying to do chores or spend time with them. Can you see how this awareness can help you to communicate and prevent unpleasant situations? Its much more proactive than simply repressing your weaknesses out of shame and embarrassment. So, I encourage you to start making a list such as the one above, no beating yourself up allowed! If you love fashion you may also want to do one for your physical self, for example, I have a bit of a tummy so i will avoid crop tops, but I have great arms so I’ll wear lots of singlets to show them off….If its a bit painful for you to write a list of your flaws it may help to start small, write say 5 of them and then write a list of your strengths as well, because you have lots of those too!! And remember, flaws can be funny and interesting and quirky and cute sometimes. For example, I find it hilarious that my husband will put packets of fruit in the fruit bowl! I mean whats the point of putting a plastic box of apples in a fruit bowl!! Another funny example involves my mum and dad. My dad has this habit that drives my mum crazy. She cleans up the house and makes the dining room all beautiful and ready to receive guest and he would come in with an engine and deconstruct it on the dining room table and then leave it there for days. Now in this situation you can laugh or cry!! I think its hilarious! You can see it as a flaw buts its super funny. If everything was perfect there would be little room for funny. So write your list and see how you go, you might find it to be an very empowering exercise! I’d love to hear your thoughts or see your lists. If you’d like to share please contact me below:

Killing the Perfectionist Within

A self-help guide for women suffering from perfectionism, anxiety, and chronic fatigue syndrome from Honor Jame Newman

Category: health and wellbeing